Rebellion

I really want things to go the way I envision them in my head. So I try really hard to make it happen. The only thing is, it rarely turns out the way I envision it. Then I’m left mad and frustrated because I have put so much energy into making something work that was doomed from the start. So after all of that time and work, I have to crawl back to God asking for forgiveness and seeking His grace and mercy, just do it His way.

Why isn’t His way my first option? Why do I think I know better than God? It’s because I don’t trust Him enough to lead me. I doubt Him. I question Him. I have to be honest with myself. My life isn’t working out the way I planned because I didn’t involve Him in most of my major decisions. I make decisions based on my emotions instead of praying and relying on the Holy Spirit for guidance. Then I get frustrated all over again because I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to war in the spirit for my husband. I don’t want to pray without ceasing and read and study the bible. Why can’t I just be a regular person? Why do I have to do all of this?

I get mad and rebel because I just want what I want now and I don’t want to have to do anything to get it. I don’t want my blessings and promises to be connected to my obedience. I get mad because praying and studying show me who I really am and I don’t like it.  Yes, it shows me that I am God’s daughter and a co-heir with Jesus, but it also shows me that I am lazy and selfish. He shows me that I don’t love like I’m supposed to. He shows me that I have a lot of knowledge of Him, but I don’t apply His precepts and commandments very well. How can I really make a move from acting on impulse and desire to consulting God in everything? How do I move from mere head knowledge to actually living His word out daily?

I do it by surrounding myself with people that are already living for God and will encourage me to seek His ways. I have to ask God to help me do this. I cannot do this on my own, in my own strength. He reveals things to me when I ask Him and earnestly seek Him. I have to pray for wisdom and understanding.  This is a process. I have to learn how to renew my mind every day. I have to crucify my flesh daily. I have to remember that I’m not in this alone.

I have a wonderfully supportive group of family and friends that want to see me flourish in Jesus. I also have a wonderfully kind, patient, and tolerant Father in God that has provided enough grace and mercy to see me through. Although the process of changing into who God wants me to be can be painful and uncomfortable, I know it’s worth it.  I know that it will ultimately work out for my good. I know I can be a disobedient brat sometimes but I’m so grateful God still loves me and is willing to take me back in His arms. I’m so grateful that He hasn’t given up on me, even when I’ve given up on Him.

Thank You, God, for still hearing and answering my prayers. Thank You, God, for still covering and protecting me when I was in open rebellion against You. I don’t know why You still love me, but You do. Help me to be obedient to Your word and Your will Lord. Forgive me for defiantly disobeying You. Thank You for Your grace and mercy that is sufficient to see me through every trial and test. Thank You for still loving me in spite of me. Thank You, God, for touching my heart and giving me the desire to walk in the way You would have me to go. Help me to be holy as You are holy. Help me to just trust You, Lord. Help me to put You first in all things. You’ve been so good to me even when I didn’t deserve it. Help me to live my life for You, in Your power and strength.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

Romans 7:15-20 (ESV)

¹⁵ For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. ¹⁶ Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. ¹⁷ So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. ¹⁸ For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.