Still Patiently Waiting…

I’ve heard it all before. Those people seem like they have it all, but I don’t know the state of their soul. I don’t know what they had to do to get that. Well, you’re right. I don’t know the state of their soul, but they sure do look happy with those new cars, houses, and husbands. I don’t know what they’re doing to get all that, but I do know what I’m not doing and that I don’t have all that. They look like wives and mothers and I look like super-saved Sally. I’m exhausted. Maybe I’m doing too much or not doing enough. I don’t know.

I do know that blessings are not necessarily material things. I know that God also gives us spiritual blessings. But, sometimes I want the material things. It sounds bad, but it’s true. My focus should really be on pleasing God and seeking what He has for me to do in this waiting season. I’m sure my patience is being tested and I’ll have an awesome testimony on the other side of this. I’m just not feeling it right now.

I really appreciate all those people who waited 50 and 60 years for God to deliver His promise, but honestly, I don’t want that to be my testimony. God, can I be one of those ‘suddenly it happened’ people? I don’t want to have to wait forever. I know it’s whiny and selfish. I should be grateful for the way my life is right now. I am grateful for my life, mostly anyway. In the grand scheme of things, my waiting season hasn’t been that long. It just feels like it’s been forever.

I’m not just talking about marriage, house, and kids. I’m talking about whatever big or small thing is next. Whatever will take me out of this holding pattern. I know the waiting period has a purpose–to make sure I’m in a position to receive the next thing God has for me. That’s why I don’t understand how I got into this headspace. One day I just woke up and was tired of doing it all. Tired of being a leader. Tired of answering questions. Tired of being the poster child of a saved single woman. I want to quit.

I had to call on God. I told Him through prayer and journaling how I honestly feel. I want to wait with anticipation, expectation, and hope, but it’s hard right now. The problem is I don’t know why it’s so hard. Usually, I pray and read scripture, talk to God and some friends and I find encouragement. Usually, I am able to make it through this feeling. This time feels different. I really want to be grateful and obedient but it’s a real struggle right now.

I’m probably on the verge of some big breakthrough or receiving God’s promise. I feel like I’m hitting a wall and I’m just tired of everything. I want to stop everything. I know it’s my flesh rebelling against submitting to God. But again I ask, why now? Why do I feel this so strongly? I get like this from time to time and the only thing I can do is rely on God to renew my strength. His grace is sufficient and His power and strength are made perfect in my weakness. I gladly boast about how weak I’m feeling because I’m only making it through because of God’s power and strength.

I’m grateful that even this is working for my good. I don’t know how yet but I’m glad it is. I’m glad that I serve a God that gives me what I need when I need it. I’m so grateful that I can cry out to God and tell Him how I truly feel. I’m glad that I don’t feel the need to wear a mask and hide how I’m feeling. I’m thankful that God restores me and strengthens me. I’m happy that I can ask Him to help me with my unbelief.

I know that now is the time to press deeper into God, not run away. I have to trust Him now more than ever. I am totally relying on His strength. I cannot do this alone. I cannot rely on my feelings, I have to rely on my faith in Him. My faith tells me that Jesus is Lord and I have the Holy Spirit leading and guiding me. My feelings are telling me to quit everything and just do whatever I want to do.

Thank God, for His Holy Spirit. It’s a struggle, but I choose to crucify my flesh and follow Christ. I know what He has for me will be worth the wait. He didn’t bring me this far to leave me. I still love and trust Him, I just have to dig a little deeper to keep Him first. God is a promise keeper. God is faithful. I can’t lose sight of the promise. I don’t want anything less than what God has promised. I’ll just have to make sure that I’m grounded in God and constantly being led by the Holy Spirit. I’m not giving up, I’m still patiently waiting on the Lord.

Our Father,

Thank You, God, for my life as it is right now. Thank you that I am able to trust in You and You will renew my strength. Thank You, Father, that I can come to You with my honest feelings and thoughts. You give rest to the weary. I thank You for rest God. Help me to not compare my journey to the journey of others Lord. I believe that what You have for me will be worth the wait. Father, please remove every negative thought and feeling and help me to focus on You. Help me to renew my mind and crucify my flesh as often as necessary. Help me to think about things that are pleasing and worthy of praise. Help me to submit to You in every area of my life. 

In Jesus’ name,

Amen. 

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