Secret Sin

Secret sin is making my heart hard. It’s separating me from God’s grace. I feel like I’m not getting any closer to my destiny, my purpose. I feel like I’m further away actually. I want to be closer to God but this secret sin is keeping me from Him. No one is created to live a lifestyle of sin.

Death

It always seems like you’re getting away with it, but the wage of sin is death. This lifestyle isn’t sustainable. Even though no one knows, I can see death sprouting in certain areas. I can’t hear God as clearly anymore. I’m separating myself from people I should be close to. I’m second-guessing myself in areas in which I used to be confident.

God told me I would face temptation this year. I listened for a little while. He offered me every opportunity to escape it. He is faithful, He kept up His end of the deal. It was me who didn’t listen. I should have followed the prompting of the Holy Spirit months ago. I forgot about the warning. I let my flesh lead me. I let the enemy fool me.

Honestly, I knew exactly what I was doing. I knew the consequences, what could potentially happen. I did it anyway. I knew the impact it could, and may still have on my destiny. I did it anyway. I know sin results in death, guilt, shame, remorse, and hopelessness. I did it anyway and kept it a secret.

Freedom

So, what’s the solution? How do I become free of this? I was a slave then I was set free. I voluntarily went back to slavery. I still have freedom in me. I’m still in Christ. He has still set me free. I just have to realize it and walk in it. No chains are holding me. It’s done. Over. Finished. You, God, are the breaker of chains. Your spirit sets me free.

Because I settled and compromised and landed in a place far from God. This is so unlike me. Or is it? Is it like me to accept things I don’t want? To do things I don’t want to do? It doesn’t matter. That’s not who I am anymore. I’m learning to be more confident in asserting myself and what I want. I’m learning to fight for every promise. I’m more determined more than ever to live for God. I will see His kingdom here on earth. The problem is, I keep replaying the situation over and over in my mind.

Forgetting

I can’t forget. It’s part of my life now. This sin happened. The key is no condemnation. I have to move forward and press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling in Jesus. Not condemning myself is hard though. The problem isn’t that I can’t forget, it’s that I keep remembering. The thoughts come without warning. They pop up out of nowhere. Because I willingly didn’t do what was right, I feel like I need punishment. I knew the righteous thing to do and didn’t do it.

At first, I let these thoughts run rampant. After all, it’s what I deserve. But, God’s grace and mercy swooped in and reminded me that Jesus’ blood has already washed me. He already paid the price for my sins. So, why am I punishing myself? It took me a while to get there, but the memories of my past sin aren’t frequent. I pray every time those thoughts come and declare God’s truth. Slowly but surely this will be behind me. Thank God forgiveness isn’t based on forgetting.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is based on confession and repentance. Confession requires that I agree with God that I sinned. Repentance requires not only a change in behavior, but a total turn from sin in my body, mind, and heart. I have to turn away from sin and back to God. So, God, I confess that I sinned against you. I agree that what I did was wrong. I want to be in right relationship with you Lord. Renew a right spirit within me, Lord. Clean me and make me new again. Forgive me and help me forgive myself.

I am free. I am forgiven. This experience has taught me to depend on God’s grace. I need Him. I am not designed to do this alone. Thank You, God, that I don’t have to. God has not given up on me yet. His word over my life will be fulfilled.

Thanks for joining me on my journey of singleness! We all struggle sometimes. The righteous may fall, but with God’s help, we can always get back up. Love you all.

Until next time,

Kim

P.S. People always assume when speaking of secret sin, that it’s something sexual. That’s not always the case. Sin can be lying, not loving my neighbor, or just plain not doing what God told me to do. I have done it all. Christ’s blood has redeemed me and declared me not guilty. I choose to live in that truth and *try* not to dwell on my mistakes. I pray that you live in that truth as well.